Power the Dark Lord Knows Not
by Elana
Summary: Lily discovers a spell that will allow her and James to endow their child, at conception, with tremendous power against Voldemort. But the cost will be terribly high... RR
1. Chapter 1

I wanted to get this one finished before I started posting it, but it there's no way I'm going to finish it before Friday, and I want to get it up before Half-Blood Prince comes out, just in case anything I've come up with is what JKR actually does, to show I thought it up independently. This is canon through Book 5, but will undoubtedly end up wildly AU after HBP. It's based on an idea I had three quarters of the way through Order of the Phoenix. I was sure that's where she was going, but I ended up being wrong. Or maybe not, but she just hasn't revealed it yet. Oh, well, I can always hope... Anyway, this is my idea of how things might have been...

Chapter 1

Lily blinked and shook her head, then rubbed her bleary eyes, trying to force them to focus again on the spidery writing of the musty tome lying open before her. Across the table Alice looked up from the volume she was searching, concern on her round, open face.

"What's wrong, Lily?"

"Nothing. I was just up too late last night. And to think, I thought when I finished my NEWTs I'd be done with studying."

Alice groaned, stretching. "Oh, don't I know it. Do you think we really have any chance of finding something the Order can use?"

"Dumbledore thinks it's worth the effort." She glanced around the gloomy confines of the restricted section of the Hogwarts library. As a student, she'd imagined the intriguing secrets that must lie hidden there, forbidden to her. Now, as a trusted member of the Order of the Phoenix, her mission was deadly serious. And also, unfortunately, deadly dull. There was undoubtedly good reason to keep the students from the endless books of poisonous potions, sexually explicit charms, and stomach-wrenching reflections on the sickening mysteries of the Dark Arts, but when her mission was to ferret out any forgotten scrap of knowledge that might aid them in their fight, the ever receding stretches of shelves seemed less an enticing playground, and more a torture chamber. "But if there is anything here, You-Know-Who and all his Death Eaters may perish of old age before we find it."

Alice couldn't suppress a scandalized titter, even as she glanced reflexively behind her to make sure no one was listening. "Lily, hush! It's not something to joke about!"

Lily nodded, becoming sober again. Just last week, the Order had lost another member. The deaths of their friends weighed more heavily with each loss, yet as much as she grieved, Lily also resented the smothering gloom that had descended on so many of the Order, crushing any moment of levity beneath the burden of sorrow. She wished James were here with them. He would have laughed with her, and topped her irreverent joke with a more outrageous one of his own, casting their defiance against the darkness. But James was off working on his own assigned task, and Alice only bent dutifully again to her text.

Lily returned to her own reading. Page after page after page, she found nothing. This one had looked so promising, too. _A Theory of Defense Against Ultimate Evil_. But theory was all it was. Most of the spells proposed were wildly impractical, delving so far into the unexplored reaches of wizardry as to be laughable. Take the passage she was currently reading, for example:

_A charm of this sort would align the essence of a person's being with the Light. The very fibers of his body would be filled with the powers most antithetical to the forces of evil: Faith, Hope, Love. The potency of one so imbued against the Darkest of magics would be almost unimaginable. Unfortunately, although the theoretical basis on which this charm is founded is sound, the power required to effect it in practice would be several thousand times the combined total power of all wizards currently living._

What use to them were impossible fantasies of superpowers? What she needed to find was some subtle way around Voldemort's defenses, something so small and tricky he would not have thought to defend against it. Or, alternatively, some insight into how he had put those defenses together, and what unsuspected weakness they might hold.

Lily slammed the book shut in frustration, and rose, shoving her chair out behind her. "That one's useless. I'm going to get another. But first, I'm going to the bathroom. In fact, I need a bit of a walk. I think I'll go down to the first floor and say hello to Myrtle."

"Tell her hi from me, too," Alice said absently, absorbed in her reading.

Lily made her way through the familiar halls and down the unpredictable staircases. It felt so strange to walk this way as a visitor, not as the student she'd been only a few months before. She felt safe, here, as she could in few places in these dangerous times. Could she have imagined, the first time she'd visited this bathroom, still half-terrified to see an actual _ghost_, how comforting and homey that ghost would someday seem compared to the real terrors she had experienced?

"What are you doing here? I thought you left school." Moaning Myrtle's insubstantial face poked out of the door at her. Myrtle was always touchy about the subject of leaving school, disliking the reminder that she never would.

"I did. I'm just back to do some research in the library. Alice Longbottom is here too; she says hi."

"She remembers me?" Myrtle drifted along beside Lily as she made her way to a stall. "She didn't want to come speak to me in person?"

"Well, she's busy, and I don't think she needed to go to the bathroom right now."

"Oh!" Myrtle sounded enormously affronted. "No one ever comes to talk to me unless they have to _go_!" She vanished into her stall, and Lily heard a splash as water flooded onto the floor.

Lily smiled, but at the same time she felt a wave of pity, almost revulsion. Poor Myrtle, stuck in this lonely bathroom, forever trapped as a pale imitation of the girl she had been. Lily didn't know why some people became ghosts when they died, but she hoped that fate would never befall her. She shuddered, thinking of the prospect. Far better to move on, to whatever lay beyond this world, when the time came.

She finished, and called "Bye, Myrtle," as she left to make her way back to the library. Turning her attention back to her task, she wondered whether it would be worth it to skim through the rest of _Ultimate Evil _in search of some scrap of practical magic, or whether she should move on to the next book on the shelf. Lost in thought, she barely noticed when she'd arrived back at the table, until Alice jumped in her seat and with a guilty expression tried to hide the book she'd been poring over.

"What?" Lily's curiosity aroused, she grabbed for the book and pulled it toward her. Alice grinned in embarrassment as she read the title: _The Wise Witch's Guide to the Childbearing Year: Spells, Charms and Potions for Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth._

"Alice, you're not…." Lily stared at her friend.

"No," Alice muttered, hanging her head. "Of course not." Then she glared up at Lily. "But I wish I could be! Frank and I had just begun talking about it, when everything started. And now, of course, I wouldn't dream of bringing a baby into all this. It wouldn't be fair – he'd be a target from the day he was born, not to mention the Order couldn't afford to lose me. But still, every month when I drink the potion, I wish…. Don't tell me you and James haven't thought about it, too."

Lily sat down heavily next to Alice, flipping the book open and staring blindly down at it, to keep from having to look at her. "Of course we have. But you're right, now would be an awful time to get pregnant. There's no way we would risk it. But someday…." How long now had she lusted for James's child? Since before their marriage, surely. Maybe since the first time she had seen beneath that cocky exterior to the tenderness and strength of the man within. A warm heavy weight in her arms, with James's wild hair and her green eyes…. But they were young, just a few months out of Hogwarts, their marriage still excitingly new. In the normal course of things, they'd have years before children would become a serious consideration. But nothing was normal now, and a future measured in years seemed less and less likely.

"Someday when this war is over," Alice said bitterly. "Everything has to wait until someday. But none of us may even be alive by then, if it ever comes at all…." She bowed her head and her shoulders shook with silent sobs.

Lily put her arm around Alice until the trembling stopped. Then Alice wiped her eyes self-consciously and pointed to the book. "You won't believe some of the stuff in there. Most of it's just ridiculous superstition, although some of it sounds like it might actually work."

Glad of the distraction, Lily leafed through the book with Alice. Potions to cure morning sickness, to lengthen pregnancy, or to shorten it. Spells to bless the child with luck, or wealth, or fame. Charms to choose the sex, or the hair color, or the eye color….

Remembering her fantasy of a black-haired, green-eyed baby, she flipped to the beginning of the Charms section and started reading. Mostly basic information she was thoroughly familiar with. Ah, this bit was interesting. She read aloud to Alice:

_"Charms to influence the physical form of a child must be performed in the moment of conception. Both man and woman must participate in the casting of the charm, so that the desired trait can be incorporated into the essence of the child's being from the very beginning."_

"Does that mean what I think it means?" Alice giggled. "Would you have to stop right in the middle…and do magic?"

Lily flipped over a few pages, to where the specific instructions for the charms were given. "That's exactly what it means. Except, it looks like you don't stop. The charms seemed to be… ah, incorporated into… well, you get the idea." She was grinning, but at the same time, fascinated. This was not a subject Professor Flitwick had ever covered, even in Advanced Theory of Charms.

She turned back to the introduction and picked up where she had left off, reading avidly. Then her grin faded, and her body stilled, as the import of what she read sank in.

_This sort of charm must be performed with utmost skill and finesse, for although the amount of power required is minute, it must be controlled precisely. An equivalent charm performed on a full-grown individual would require an unworkably large amount of power, but the small scale of the newly conceived child reduces the amount required to very small levels. Along with this reduction, however, comes a need for extreme precision to perform the desired changes on such a tiny scale. Therefore, only witches very skilled in Charms should attempt the spells that follow._

"Oh my God," Lily whispered. "Oh my God. Alice, I think I've found it. Wait, where did it go?" She seized the book she had been so laboriously wading through earlier, and rifled frantically through its pages. Where had she left off? Where was it?

There it was. _"… the power required to effect it in practice would be several thousand times the combined total power of all wizards currently living…"_ Did it include the technical details on how to perform the charm? Yes, here they were. She dug in her bag for a pencil and her notebook. The esoteric symbols and complicated formulas flowed in neat columns, just as she had learned in long hours of study with Professor Flitwick. Referring back and forth from book to book, she wrote with disciplined fervor. Alice watched, not quite understanding exactly what Lily was doing – her Auror's studies had not included the same depth of theory as Lily's Charms specialty – but knowing it was of deep importance.

"Damn." Lily looked at her calculations, tears starting in her eyes. "_Damn._ It still takes too much power. I was so sure it would work…."

Alice studied the passages in the two books, and examined Lily's notes. "So you are trying to construct a charm to give a baby, at conception, these powers it lists…"

"Faith, Hope, Love. The greatest powers against evil. So when the child grew up, it could be a match for You-Know-Who. It should work, it's all laid out right here, it's just the amount of power required. And doing it at conception _does_ bring down the power a lot. It would work, if you could use enough witches and wizards, but this book is very specific, that for conception charms only the mother and father can be involved. And it's just way too much power for only two, even if they were very strong."

Alice grew very still, and her hands clutched each other until the knuckles turned white. "Unless you put in a Life Debt."

Lily looked at her, and considered it. "Maybe…." She pulled her notebook over, and slowly began to work the numbers. She stared at her results, then turned frightened eyes to Alice. "It's enough. But the debt would come due in only around two years, maybe three. Any longer than that and it doesn't give enough. And it would have to be both of them."

"So whoever did it, in two or three years, they would both die."

Lily nodded. "Or worse than death."

The two women stared at each other, shaken. Finally Alice looked away. "Let's take this to Dumbledore right now and see what he says."

Lily grabbed her by the arms "We can't go to Dumbledore. He'd never let us do it. Not at the cost of two lives, an orphaned child…."

"Us?"

Lily released her and turned away. "Who else? You and Frank, James and I, we're the only two married couples in the Order. Everyone else who's married, their spouse isn't part of it. And it would have to be knowing, and willing, by both. It would have to be one of us." She swallowed. The enormity of what she was saying sank in. "It should be me, really. I'm the Charms expert. James and I…."

James. Could she ask him to lay down his life, along with her? Everything in her rebelled against the idea. They had had such a brief time together, and so much of it marred by war and grief. What good would victory be, if it cost the life of the one she would give anything to save?

Yet they had always known what the cost might be. When Dumbledore had invited them to join the Order, they had talked frankly about the risk. So many had died already. Three times before now she and James had come close to losing their lives. Every time they faced Voldemort directly could mean their deaths. But this was colder, somehow. To decide ahead of time, to work the spell that would guarantee it, then to wait, knowing, until the reckoning came… she could hardly bear the thought. But if they did not seize this chance….

"So we would have to wait until the child grew up, and could face You-Know-Who," Alice said. "I don't know if the Order could even hold out that long. His power has been increasing so much lately. And what if we go through with it, then before the child is born, or before he grows up, we – they – find some other way to bring You-Know-Who down. Then it would all be a waste."

"And the debt would have to be paid, regardless." Lily shivered. "But it's a chance. It's more of a chance than we've ever had."

Alice bit her lip. "Could I really do that, to my own child? Make him a pawn in this contest, his whole life? Doom him to lose his parents when he's still a baby? And maybe all for nothing? How cruel is it, to conceive a child just to be a weapon in this war?"

Whitening, Lily stood up. "I'm not asking you to do it. It's my decision to make, not yours."

"Oh, no you don't." Alice stood up also. She glared at Lily, challengingly. "I'm in this too. It's both of us, or none."

They stared defiantly at each other for a long moment, and then Lily began to tremble. She shut her eyes, but it was no use; the tears leaked out anyway. She sagged, and Alice's arms were there to catch her. Clinging to Alice she wept, and Alice wept too.

"Oh, Alice, I don't want to die."

"Neither do I, Lily. Neither do I."

They cried in each other's arms for a long time. Eventually they separated, and silently prepared to leave. Lily checked out the two books, and then tucked them into her bag, along with her notebook full of calculations. They made their way downstairs and out the front entrance of Hogwarts. Together they walked down the path toward Hogsmeade, the crisp fall breeze ruffling their hair, until they came to the boundary of the Apparation shield.

"What are we going to do next?" Alice asked.

Lily had given this some thought. "Tonight, you tell Frank, and I'll tell James. But we can't say a word about it to anyone else. Then tomorrow you two come to Godric's Hollow for dinner and we can all talk it over. Then… we'll do what we have to do."

Alice nodded, and they bid each other farewell before they each Apparated home.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

The front hall of the cottage in Godric's Hollow was quiet when Lily appeared. She draped her cloak over the chair where she usually left it, and started to drop her bag in its accustomed place on the floor. Then she stopped, clutched it for a moment, and carried it with her to the kitchen, where she laid it, with its precious contents, on the table. She stared around the kitchen, pulled out her wand to get supper preparations started, but then tucked it back into her pocket. It was early yet; her discovery had cut short the time she and Alice usually spent researching. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out potatoes, onions, and carrots, retrieved a cutting board and a knife, and set about slicing them. When she had married and established her own household, she had eagerly adopted magical ways of housekeeping, glad to use the time and effort saved for more important things, but occasionally when she was stressed she reverted to Muggle ways. The cold wet vegetables in her hands, the swish and snick of the knife, and the neat slices falling away reminded her of days long past, standing beside her mother in another kitchen, before she had ever suspected magic might be real, before she had heard of Voldemort or Death-Eaters or ever lost a friend in the battle against evil. The mindless labor of eyes and muscles was a soothing change from the concentration of research. She could forget for a while, as she browned meat in a skillet on the stove, the agony of desperate hopes and impossible choices.

The stew was nearly finished when she heard the familiar _crack_ from the front hall. She dropped the spoon she'd been stirring with and turned, seized by both a great desire to rush in to greet James and a terrible reluctance to face him. She wiped her hands on a towel and slowly moved toward the doorway.

He looked tired, but content, as he dumped his cloak on top of hers on the chair, and turned to sweep her up in his embrace. "Ah, Lil. It's been a rough day. It's so good to be home. Smells great; I'm starving. How'd your day go?"

Now was the time to tell him, but the words froze in her throat. She muttered, "It was fine," and twisted away, busying herself fetching bowls and ladling stew. He poured the drinks and brought them to the table, and they sat in their accustomed places across from each other. Lily tried to act normally, but she could not keep from gazing surreptitiously at him, drinking in the dear familiar planes of his face, the thick black hair that would never lay neatly, the glasses slightly askew on his nose. She poked at her stew and nibbled while he devoured one bowl and went for another. He tried to strike up the relaxed conversation they usually shared over supper, but she could not bring herself to answer in more than monosyllables. Finally, when she had looked away once too often, avoiding his gaze, James put down his cup and reached out for her hand.

"Lil, something's wrong. Tell me."

"I… I found something." She forced the words out at first, but as she spoke a great relief at being able to share her burden broke over her, and the words came in a rush. "I've been doing research, at the library at Hogwarts, with Alice Longbottom." By mutual consent they never informed each other what assignment Dumbledore had given them. You couldn't tell what you didn't know, even under compulsion, or torture. "Trying to find some forgotten bit of information we could use. And today… I found something. Something big."

"That's wonderful, Lil!"

The pride in his eyes warmed and terrified her. She pulled away. "It's not… Here, let me show you." She pulled her bag across the table to her and dug out the two books and her pages of calculations. "Look, here…"

He reached for the book she held open to him, then pulled back. "Perhaps I shouldn't. What does Dumbledore say about who needs to know about it?"

"I haven't spoken to Dumbledore." He started to protest, but she silenced him. "This is about us. You'll understand. Just read it."

He looked searchingly at her, then bent his head to comply. She showed him the passages from the two books, and saw excited comprehension dawn in his eyes without any need for her to explain. "This could really work! What a clever idea, to reduce the power needed that way. Did you work out the – _Oh_." His eyes widened. "Lil, are you saying you think we should… Oh, Lil." The joy in his eyes hurt her heart. "A baby, Lil? With powers against Voldemort? Our child…?" A few quick steps took him around the table and she was in his arms. But his happiness faded when she remained stiff in his embrace, and turned tear-filled eyes to him. "What's wrong, Lil?"

"It's not enough." She buried her face in the warm strength of his chest. "We don't have enough power, unless… unless…." She waved wordlessly at her notebook. One arm still firmly around her, he scooped it up at looked where she pointed. She felt his body stiffen as the meaning of the inscribed symbols sank in.

"No… A life debt?"

She nodded miserably. "Both of us. Two years, three at the most."

"Oh God, Lil." His arms crushed her. "No wonder…. Oh God…." He was silent a long time. She clung to him, not thinking, just feeling his body against hers.

Finally he pulled back a little, and gazed in her eyes. Then he kissed her, long and hard. Again he crushed her to him, and his ragged voice whispered in her ear, "I love you, Evans." Then he released her, and was suddenly all business. "Have you told anyone else?"

"Only Alice."

James frowned. "How much does she know?"

"All of it. She was there; I only thought of it in the first place because she was looking at the pregnancy book. In fact, she's the one that thought of using a Life Debt."

James's frown deepened. "I guess that can't be helped."

"Of course not." Lily thought of Alice's round face set in determination. "I told her to tell Frank, and for the two of them to come to dinner tomorrow, so we can talk about it."

"Frank?" James sounded alarmed. "Lily, we can't let this get out to anyone else. Too many people know about it already."

"Well, Frank has to know, if they're going to do the spell, too."

James started, a look of dismay spreading across his face. "Them too? But I thought… You discovered the spell; it should be us. The Order can't stand to lose even the two of us, let alone four members."

"But doesn't it make more sense to have two with the powers? Something could go wrong, one of them could be killed, or the charm not work right, or anything could happen." Lily saw him shaking his head, scowling. "Don't get angry at me," she snapped. "I told her it should just be us, but she wouldn't hear of it. You can try to talk them out of it tomorrow night."

He turned away and paced across the room. When he turned back, he had composed himself. His quick grin flashed at her. "Sorry, Lil. You're right; I'll talk to them tomorrow. Right now, I want to look at what you've got."

He sat down at the table and dragged a chair over beside him, gesturing her to sit. He spread out her notes before them. "Walk me through all the steps; I want to understand exactly how it works."

They pored over the equations late into the evening, searching through all of both books for any confounding tidbit Lily might have missed, going over and over the calculations to make sure they were right. Long past midnight Lily started up from where her eyes had drifted shut and her head nodded down towards her paper, as James gently shook her. "Come on, Lil, let's go to bed. We can finish this tomorrow."

Blearily she rose and followed him. "But what about your assignment?"

"This is more important. And I don't want to go off and leave you alone." Or be alone himself, she was sure he meant as well, but his pride would not let him say it.

She made her preparations for bed in a daze, then sank gratefully down beside him. He met her with welcoming arms, and despite her weariness desire blazed up in her. She clung to him, overwhelmed with fear of losing him. She ran her hands along the planes of his body. _How many more times will I get to touch him like this, before it's the last time, forever…_ She wept, and his tears burned her bare skin.

All too soon it was over. The sweet fire ebbed away, leaving her drained and empty. She feared she would not be able to sleep, but he was there beside her still, her anchor through the black night. She pressed herself close to him and his arms wrapped around her, and they slept.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

The baby in her dream laughed at her. He was about a year old, clear green eyes like hers, black hair like James's sticking up on his head. She laughed back, covering her eyes. "Peek-a-boo," she exclaimed, peering between her hands. He greeted her with gales of giggles. "Peek-a-boo," she tried to say again, but her words made no sound. She tried to pull her hands away from her face, but they were frozen there. Somehow, though, she could see the baby's face as it faded from joy to puzzlement, then crumpled into fearful wails. "Mama," he called forlornly between his sobs. "Mama…."

She woke with a start, sitting up in bed, the child's cry still ringing in her mind. Memory of the previous day's discovery flooded back to her. She lay back down, breathing deeply, trying to calm herself. Eventually she got up and dressed, and made her way to the kitchen.

James had risen before her, as he usually did. But instead of the cold cereal and milk he customarily set out for her, today he had prepared blueberry pancakes, her favorite. She sat down at the table, as with a flick of his wand he sent a stack of pancakes through the air from the stove to her plate. "Morning, sleepyhead," he said, grinning.

"Yeah, somebody kept me up late last night." She grinned back at him.

"Really? That was very inconsiderate of them." He winked at her, then dug into his pancakes. After a few bites, he looked up, still smiling, but more serious. "After breakfast, we need to finish up going over the equations."

She swallowed with difficulty, the pancakes suddenly dry in her mouth. "Yes. And I thought I'd pop back over to Hogwarts for a while, and find anything else I can about conception charms. And the house is a mess; it's got to be cleaned before Frank and Alice get here. And I don't have anything to fix them for dinner; somebody will have to go by the store and pick something up."

"That sounds like enough to keep us busy all day." He looked at her, staring unseeing at her plate. Leaning over, he cupped her chin in his hand and tilted her head up until she was looking in his eyes. With his other hand, he clasped hers. "Lil," he said seriously. "It will be all right. No matter what. We're together, and nothing can change that. I know you're afraid; I am too. But _it will be all right_."

Gazing into his intense hazel eyes, she believed him. A sense of peace settled over her. "I know. What is it Dumbledore says? 'To the well organized mind, death…" Her mouth froze on the word.

"…is only the next great adventure." He didn't hide his fear from her. "I don't think my mind is very well organized."

She laughed shakily. "No, nor mine." She took a deep breath. "But I know you're right. It will be all right, somehow." She found she was able to resume eating.

They finished breakfast in companionable silence, cleaned up, and then again spread her books and papers across the table. After a couple hours more of studying them without finding anything to change Lily's conclusions, they called a halt, ate lunch, then set about cleaning the house. Lily still felt the need to do her work by hand instead of magic. James put up with her sweeping all the floors with a broom, and washing the lunch dishes in the sink, but when he found her on her knees scrubbing out the toilet, he shooed her away, brandishing his wand at her. "Out! If you'd served as many detentions as I did, with Filch making me do that by hand, you'd never want to skip the magic again."

She surrendered with only a token show of resistance. "I never served detention until seventh year, after we started dating, and McGonagall caught us kissing during Transfiguration class."

"Well, obviously I was a good influence on you, then. Now, get. Weren't you going to go by Hogwarts, and to the market?"

She gathered her things and Apparated to Hogwarts, spending an hour scouring the restricted section for anything remotely related to sex and conception magic. She brought an armful of books home and dumped them on the table, then switched from robes to Muggle skirt and blouse to walk down the street to the village market. Loaded down with purchases, she returned home to find James finished cleaning, and the two of them worked together to prepare dinner. By six, when twin cracks outside the front door were followed by the ringing doorbell, all was ready.

Lily opened the door, trying to conceal her faint nervousness. She was still new at this business of entertaining guest. Since the war had intensified there had been few occasions to invite their friends to dinner. Well, Sirius, Remus and Peter were over all the time, but the three of them lounging about the living room with James, drinking butterbeer, munching on fish and chips and discussing the latest Quidditch scores hardly counted as entertaining. Frank and Alice were several years older, and had left Hogwarts well before she and James had. Quite apart from the evening's topic of discussion, she was shy to admit them to her modest home and her inexperienced attempts at hospitality.

But her nervousness faded as they entered and greetings were made all around. She hugged Alice, and shook hands with Frank. He looked worried, and started to speak, but Alice laid her hand on his arm. "Let's wait until after dinner, please. Don't you think we should, Lily?"

Relieved, Lily agreed, so dinner proceeded uneventfully, only a slightly strained atmosphere testifying to the subject they were all avoiding. The food had turned out well, and they were able to relax, mostly. After dessert, a treacle tart Lily had worked hard on and was very pleased at how nicely it had turned out, there was a brief flurry of activity as James and Lily cleared the table, Alice and Frank insisting on helping, then they all settled back into their seats with cups of tea. A hush fell over the table, and the other three looked at Lily, waiting for her to break the silence.

She licked her lips, wishing anyone else would take the lead. But it was her responsibility, so she plunged in. "Frank, has Alice told you about what she and I discovered yesterday?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure I understand. And I know I don't like the idea of dealing with Life Debt spells – they're too close to the Dark Arts.

Alice rolled her eyes at Lily. "I told him it was the only way we could have enough power…"

"And I'm not eager to buy power at the cost of our lives!" Frank turned to Lily. "What exactly are you proposing? Alice said something about giving a child power, but what power, precisely, and how can a baby help us fight You-Know-Who, no matter how powerful? And what is this about conception charms and sex magic? I've never heard of such a thing."

James jumped in. "I don't really think it's necessary for you two to be involved at all. Lily and I are prepared to take responsibility for it, so as long as you are willing to keep it secret…

"Oh, no." Alice was vehement. "Like I already told Lily, we're all in this together."

"And that reminds me," Frank added, "why hasn't Dumbledore been told? We can't do anything this big without his approval."

Lily sighed. "Can I just explain about the charm, so we all understand what we're talking about? Then we can argue about everything else."

She looked around at the others, who all nodded, Alice eager, Frank reluctant, James resigned. She opened the two books and read the passages aloud, explaining to Frank how she had made the leap of insight that connected the two spells. Again she spread out her notes and demonstrated the mathematics of the power requirements. When she had finished, Frank settled back in his chair, thoughtful.

"Well," he said, drumming his fingers on the table, "I agree that the theoretical basis seems sound. You say you've gone over it thoroughly and found no errors?" James and Lily nodded. "I'll want to do that for myself, too. But assuming that proves out, it should work, and such a child, once grown, would be a formidable threat to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. But I'm still not convinced that we should take this step, or that we should keep it a secret from Dumbledore."

"But we can't tell Dumbledore!" Lily was adamant. "He'd forbid us to try it. You know how he is about free choice – he'd never approve of manipulating a child this way, a child with no choice whether to participate or not. And he would never allow us to throw away our own lives."

Frank leaned forward, hands gripping the edge of the table, eyes glittering. "And I think he'd be right. Why do you think, despite all that, that we should do it? And if you are so sure, why don't you think you could convince Dumbledore to agree with you?"

"Maybe I could." Lily wondered herself why her feeling that Dumbledore must not know was so strong. She would be able to persuade him, surely. But then he would have to allow them to knowingly spend their lives. She shied away from the thought. The idea that Dumbledore could allow her to do that was too terrible to contemplate. "But why? There's nothing he could do, except give us permission. And the fewer people who know, the better." That was a basic principle the Order operated under. Always they must be aware of Voldemort's power to extract information from any of them he might capture. "Even if everything works as planned, it will be years before the children are old enough to take an active role against You-Know-Who. Years that he can target them, if he ever finds out." She shuddered at the thought. "Better if no one else ever knows. Let the knowledge die with us."

"But that doesn't make sense," Alice objected. "Once we're… gone, the children themselves won't know. They might never even get involved in the fight against You-Know-Who."

"They'll be our children," said James. "So how could they not?" He looked pensively into the distance. "They'll grow up under the shadow. They'll never know a world without him."

"A terrible burden to place on a child," Frank agreed. "That's why we've chosen not to have any, up to now." He pushed back his chair and rose, and began pacing the small room. "It is tempting, I admit. If it's really the only way… You haven't found anything else?"

Alice shook her head. "We've been searching for weeks, now, without finding anything. You-Know-Who just keeps getting stronger. We all know how badly overmatched the Order is. We can keep fighting, and hold him back for a while, but I don't see any real hope of actually defeating him."

They all fell silent at that, knowing the truth of her words.

Eventually, James spoke. "But does it really need to be both of us? No, hear me out," he said, as Alice started to interrupt. "We need to talk about this. It seems to me the Order losing two members is more than it can afford, let alone four. If the powers are truly as great as promised, one child should be enough. It wouldn't even have to be Lily and me, although you and Frank are more valuable to the Order than we are."

Alice snorted. "Enough with the false modesty! You two have done just as much against him as we have. No, you always have had a thing about saving the world, haven't you? I suppose it seems terribly romantic to you, you and Lily single handedly defeating You-Know-Who, tragically perishing in the process."

Lily jumped up, hot denial on her lips at the insult to James. He too started to stand up, then sank back into his chair, waving Lily quiet.

"You may have a point," he said quietly to Alice. His expression was focused inward. "I must admit, the thought does have appeal. But this is more important than my ego."

"They'll need each other," Alice said earnestly. "We have no way of knowing if one of them would be strong enough, alone."

"And two would provide insurance, in case something happened to one of them," Frank added unexpectedly.

James nodded acknowledgement of the point. Again a hush fell.

Finally, James rose. He went into the kitchen and brought out a pot with a lid, and placed it in the middle of the table. "I think we have discussed this enough," he said. "It's time for each of us to decide. Vote gold to go ahead with it, red not. If there's even one red vote, we'll call it off. Lily will take the information to Dumbledore, and we will go with whatever he says. No hard feelings, no regrets. But if we all vote gold, we are bound to secrecy, and we go forward with the plan as soon as possible." He drew out his wand, lifted the lid of the pot just enough to insert the tip in while it remained hidden from the others, then withdrew it.

Lily watched while Frank inserted his wand, frowning at the pot for a long moment before removing it and seating himself. Alice placed her vote with a look of grim determination on her face. Then it was her turn. Sliding her wand into the pot, she closed her eyes. This was her last chance to back out, her last chance to retreat from the terrible fate she had thrust on them all. Her last chance to live.

She cast her vote and withdrew her wand, breathing deeply. They all looked for a long moment at the pot resting quietly in the middle of the table. Then James stepped forward and removed the lid.

Four golden spheres rested in the bottom of the pot, glowing gently. As they watched, the spheres began to rotate around each other, faster and faster, until they blurred together into one glittering ball of light, which rose out of the pot, growing larger and brighter until Lily's eyes hurt to look at it. Then it burst into a wash of golden light, which swept out, bathing each of them in its glow, then died away.

After a long silence, Frank spoke. "That's it, then." He turned to Lily. "How soon can we perform the charm?"

Lily blushed. "It has to be done at the right time of month…" She was still only just getting accustomed to sharing the intimate details of her body with James, let alone any one else. She turned to Alice. "We can work out the details, but for me I think it will be around three weeks. That would put it right about Halloween, which is a good night for working powerful spells. Can you adjust your cycle for then?"

Alice nodded. "I can do that. Will that be enough time for you to get all the details worked out?"

"It's a very complicated charm, but I think I should be able to. We'll have to practice before hand. Everything has to be just right. But three weeks should be enough time."

James stood up. "Halloween, then. Meanwhile, we all go about our business as usual, so no one suspects. Frank, Alice, is next week soon enough soon enough to meet again?"

"Yes." Alice spoke for both of them. "You two must come to our house next time."

"We'd love to," Lily said. "I'll have all the particulars of the charm worked out by then, ready for us to start rehearsal."

They all stood, and Frank and Alice gathered their things. They moved toward the door, exchanging farewells. The four of them lingered there a while, discussing inconsequentialities, reluctant to part. But eventually the Longbottoms stepped out into the space in front of the door, carefully screened from the street by neatly trimmed bushes, and with final good-byes vanished.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

The next few weeks passed in a blur, seeming to Lily to alternately drag with impossible slowness and rush by much too fast. The days she spent at the Hogwarts library with Alice, at their table far back in the recesses of the Restricted Section, screened by a Silencing Spell from any curious students or other eavesdroppers, working out the charm. The two of them read every book they could find even tangentially related to the subject. Lily worked out several refinements to her original rough outline. This was her favorite sort of charm, one in which the delicate interplay between spoken word and precise motion of wand which was the essence of charms was prolonged and complex. In the end, as she copied out written instructions for Frank and Alice once the charm was as perfect as she could make it, she felt a glow of pride. She had done good work on it; it was solidly crafted, balanced and elegant.

That night, she and James brought their wands into bed with them, to practice the charm for the first time. She felt faintly ridiculous, clutching the polished length of willow wood in first one hand, then the other, as she let James slide her robe off each of her arms in turn. She turned to him, then burst out laughing as she saw his own wand held in his teeth, leaving his hands free to run sensuously across her newly bare skin.

He raised his eyebrows and blinked in mock innocence, removing his own robe and drawing her down beside him onto their bed. He reached up and removed the wand from his mouth and kissed her deep and long. Then pulled back and grinned. "Okay, now show me what I'm supposed to do with this thing." He waggled it at her. "You know, I've always heard you can tell the measure of a wizard by what he does with his wand." He leered at her, and if her laughter had touch of hysteria behind it, they both chose to ignore it.

She walked him though the many complex steps of the spell, which involved both alternating and synchronized movements of both their wands, tracing intricate patterns in the air around their bodies, between and during the caresses and kisses of lovemaking. At first they could barely accomplish a single move without bursting into laughter and having to start all over again, but eventually they settled into serious concentration, practicing each step of the charm until it was committed to heart. Eventually they felt the magic starting to gather, and had to deliberately alter the angle of their wands and mispronounce the words lest the charm take premature effect. Later, when all portions of the spell were learned, they set aside their wands, and gave all their attention each to the other. This magic had nothing to do with wands or charms, and they reveled in it.

The October weather was glorious those weeks, crisp air and brisk wind moderated by slanting golden sunlight. At times Lily could almost forget. Babies and death seemed far away the night she and James met Sirius, Remus and Peter at the first Quidditch match of the season, and cheered themselves hoarse as the Chudley Cannons first pulled ahead, then lagged behind, over and over, until long after midnight the Cannons' seeker snatched the Snitch just inches ahead of her opponent, winning the game by only ten points. Arm in arm they trooped to the pub afterwards to celebrate, and it was only when the four men were deep in planning for their next full moon outing two weeks later that she realized with a start that the full moon fell three days after Halloween. By that time, it would all be over.

Having exhausted the Hogwart's library's meager selection of pregnancy books, Lily ventured to Flourish and Blotts to seek out the wizarding world's popular works on the subject – _What to Digest While You're Gestating, Your Pregnancy Spell by Spell, Beyond Merlin and Matilda._ She even sought out a Muggle bookshop, and devoured what she found there, much to James' amusement.

"You know," she remarked to him one morning over breakfast, "a baby's not actually conceived right during sex." She waved her latest reading material at him. "It says here the sperm and egg usually get together at least twenty-four hours later, and it can sometimes be as much as five days before it happens. Not that it has anything to do with the charm, of course," she hastened to add, in response to his incredulous stare. "Magic is concerned with the symbolic and emotional significance of the event, not the… Stop looking at me like that!" She glared at him, until he rolled his eyes and went back to his breakfast.

"Muggles," he muttered into his tea.

The next day was one of the regularly scheduled Order meetings. As they gathered around the long table, Lily hung back, choosing a seat as far from Dumbledore's chair at the table's head as she could. She felt sure if she met his eyes he could read her secret written in guilty letters across her face. She could see nothing out of the ordinary in how James, Frank, or Alice behaved. Perhaps a bit more subdued than usual, but then they all were. The news was grim. They continued to lose ground, while Voldemort's supporters gained strength with every passing day. None of the Order's latest schemes had yet borne fruit. Lily longed to share her clandestine hope, to relieve even a little the despair on her comrade's faces, yet even to her the plan seemed so precarious and fragile, the cost so high, the payoff so uncertain and remote, that she too came close to despair.

Finally, after an eternity of waiting that passed in a breath, the day came. Lily and James attended the village Halloween party, laughing as they watched the children bob for apples, and warming themselves in the glow of the bonfires. Afterwards they walked back to their home, where Frank and Alice met them. Again they shared dinner.

Around the table, having finished the meal, they lingered over pumpkin juice, all of them reluctant to speak. Finally, James stood, and raised his glass. For a long moment, he stared into the distance, then spoke.

"A toast. To Voldemort's downfall."

They all shuddered a bit at the forbidden name, then the other three raised their glasses in response and drank. Next Frank stood.

"To the Order of the Phoenix. May it forever stand against evil."

Again they all drank. Then it was Alice's turn.

"To our children. May they always be protected by our love."

Lily could barely swallow, but she forced a sip down. Then she stood and raised her glass, hand trembling, voice shaking but certain.

"And to us. May we work our magic well."

She closed her eyes as she drained her glass, then opened them to see that the others had done the same. James slammed his glass to the table. "Let's get on with it then. Everyone knows what they have to do. Frank, Alice?"

They rose, and Lily and James escorted them to the door. Lily and Alice embraced, and Frank and James clasped hands. Then the Longbottoms stepped outside and vanished.

Lily moved toward the kitchen, to tidy the last of the dinner things, but James intercepted her. "That can wait until morning. It's time." She met his eyes, and nodded. He reached for her, and hand in hand they made their way to the bedroom.

No laughter, this time. Their wands seemed natural extensions of themselves, as they undressed each other and sank onto the bed. The words of the charm flowed from their mouths like song, and the motions of their wands melded with the motions of their bodies in a seamless dance. She wove the magic around his heart and his loins, and he bespelled her breasts and belly. Together they called forth the form of body and spirit of the child who would be. Each spoke the vow and signed their secret name to the binding contract that traded life for power. Lily lost herself in the beauty of the magic and the pleasure of her lover's body, until at last the moment came when his low and her high voices joined to cry out the final word in harmony with their bodies' climax, and she knew, with joy and without regret, that the deed was accomplished.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

Lily squirmed in her seat and glanced across the table at Alice, who smiled at her. This was the second Order meeting since Halloween. Last time had been too soon, and she had not yet been sure, but three days ago the potion had bubbled and changed from dull grey to vivid green when she had added the drop of her blood. Alice had confirmed that she, too, now had proof of her pregnancy. The time had come to make their announcement.

Peter's voice droned on. "… so when that didn't work, I went back down into the sewer and tried the branch to the north…"

Lily rolled her eyes at James beside her, and they exchanged grins. Annoying as Peter could sometimes be, like now when he seemed to feel compelled to covey every tiny detail of his latest spying mission, she was fond of her husband's friend. He had come into his own these last few months, finding his gifts of such great value to the Order.

She remembered when Dumbledore had called the five of them, herself and the four Marauders, into his office, the day before they were scheduled to ride the Hogwart's Express back to London for the last time. He told them about the Order of the Phoenix, and invited them each to join. She giggled inwardly remembering the stunned look on James', Sirius', and Peter's faces when he had calmly explained that he knew their secret status as Animagi, and needed their talents in the fight against Voldemort. She hadn't been surprised that Dumbledore had known. Although the three of them were so careful of their secret she sometimes wondered if James would have ever told her, if she hadn't found out back during sixth year, when she still thought of him as an arrogant bully, and the two of them had found themselves captured and imprisoned by Death Eaters. She had been glad enough then, surprised as she was, to see James' form twist and stretch into that of a graceful stag, who stepped daintily out of the ropes that had bound his human wrists and ankles.

James' stag form was seldom useful for spying against Voldemort; Sirius' dog was somewhat more so. But it had been Peter's ability to transform into a rat that had proved priceless to the Order. A rat could slip unobserved almost anywhere, and his sharp hearing could pick up information unobtainable any other way. Almost everything they knew about Voldemort's plans and strategy came from Peter's spying missions.

Her thoughts were brought back to the present as Peter sat, and Dumbledore asked if anyone else had anything to present before he adjourned the meeting. Amid the murmured no's and shaking heads, she rose to her feet, James standing beside her and reaching out to grasp her hand. Across the table, Alice and Frank also rose.

"I… we… James and I… we have an announcement to make." She swallowed as the eyes of all the Order members turned to her. She stole a glance at Dumbledore, sitting calmly at the head of the table, then quickly looked away, focusing instead on the surface of the table in front of her, where a drop of spilled tea flickered in the reflected lamplight. "We… are going to have a baby."

Stunned silence met her words. Alice broke it. "Frank and I also have an announcement. We, too, will be having a baby."

Astonished mutters ran around the table. Across the table, Caradoc Dearborn leaped to his feet. His pale face was red under his black hair. "What?" he exclaimed. "How can you do this to the Order? Of all the irresponsible, foolish…." He rounded on Alice. "And you're an Auror! Don't you know we're in the middle of a war?"

Lily didn't know Caradoc well, but she had occasionally felt a faint dislike for him. That feeling now crystallized to blazing anger. How dare he make such a scene? She had anticipated a certain amount of unhappiness from her fellow Order members, but nothing like this!

"What business is it of yours?" she cried, her hands clenching into fists at her sides. "You leave us alone, you arrogant, hateful…"

He turned back to her. "It's the Order's business! Maybe you haven't noticed, but we have only a handful against You-Know-Who's legions. And now we have even fewer, because a couple of silly girls go and get themselves pregnant." He turned to Mad-Eye Moody, slouched in his chair next to Dumbledore, a faint smile on his face, though his eyes never ceased their restless roaming about the room. "You know I'm right!"

Moody shrugged. "Why so surprised, Caradoc? I knew it was inevitable sooner or later. What do you expect? True, it's inconvenient that it's both of them at once, but the Order can get by without them.

"We can still serve the Order!" Lily blinked hard against the tears that threatened to form in her eyes. It was not like her to cry when she was angry. Damn hormones. "Maybe not quite as much as before, true, but still…"

"You won't be able to Apparate…"

"That's a myth, Apparation is perfectly safe until at least eight months…"

Other voices joined in, supporting one side of the argument or the other. The babble rang out for a few more moments. Then Dumbledore rose to his feet, and with a gesture stilled all the voices around the table.

Into the hush he spoke. "I need not remind you that we do Voldemort's work for him when we allow dissension turn us against each other." Lily blushed and looked down. "What do we fight for, if not the hope that our children will be free of the evil we face? Whatever adjustments we must make in the Order's work, we will. This is good news." He stepped to Lily's side and enfolded her in a gentle embrace. "Congratulations, my dear." He shook James' hand, then moved around the table to congratulate Alice and Frank. Returning to his place he looked around at them all with a twinkle in his eyes. "Now, does anyone else have anything they wish to say? No? Well, then this meeting is adjourned."

Lily sighed in relief and sat down. The Marauders clustered around James, broad grins on their faces. Sirius thumped him on the back. "Way to go, Prongs! Looks like the full moon's not the only night you've been having fun. Just kidding, Lily," he added hastily, seeing her green eyes snapping at him. "Congratulations!"

Remus shook James' hand, then turned to Lily. "So, when is the baby due?"

"End of July, or beginning of August, probably. Although it could be as early as mid-July, or as late as mid-August. Did you know…" She launched into a long explanation of the intricacies of calculating due dates, fueled by a desire to share what she'd learned in her extensive reading. Remus listened patiently, although she knew that behind her the other three were probably rolling their eyes.

Across the table Alice and Frank were surrounded by their own cluster of well-wishers. Gradually the babble of voices quieted as one by one the Order members departed. Lily was tired and ready to go home when she noticed Hagrid hanging back bashfully nearby. She smiled at him, and he came up.

"I couldn't leave without sayin' congratulations to the two of yeh." He pumped her hand, them James'. "It couldn'ta happened to a nicer pair. I reckon any child of you two's bound to be sumpthin' special. If there's anythin' I can do for yeh, just let me know. An' I'd be happy to… well, once he's old enough… or she, mind you… well, I was wonderin' if you might sometimes trust me to… well, babysit, if you take my meaning."

Lily threw her arms around his waist and hugged him, as the suppressed tears finally broke though. "I'd trust you with my life, Hagrid, and the baby's too, and you know that very well. Don't you think I won't remember your offer. Although you might lose your enthusiasm, after changing a few dirty nappies."

Hagrid patted her awkwardly on the back. "Aw, can't be any worse'n housebreaking Fang, now can it? You take care of yerself, now." Lily released him and watched him make his way around the table to congratulate Alice and Frank.

Turning to James, she saw that no one else waited to speak to them. Weariness dragged at her. "Let's go home." He nodded assent, and they quickly gathered their things and Apparated back to Godric's Hollow.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

"James, we've put this off long enough. We have to talk about it." Lily stroked the roundness of her belly, rubbing the bulge where a round rump – or was it a head? – protruded to one side. She caught her breath as the baby rolled around within her, and suddenly the bulge was located on the opposite side. "The baby could be here in less than a month. We have to pick out a guardian and get all the paperwork done by then."

James set his book aside. He got up from the armchair where he had been sprawled, and came to sit beside her on the couch in their cozy living room. He sighed and took her hand. "I know." He stared out the window in silence for a moment. "We don't have much choice, do we?"

"No." Lily felt as reluctant as he did, but it must be done. All their affairs must be in order for the day that approached more rapidly than Lily could have believed possible.

James got up and began to pace the room. "It's just that there's nobody obvious, really. Frank and Alice are out, of course. They've arranged for his mother to take their child. But neither of us has any family left, except your sister…"

"Petunia?" Lily shivered, and stared blindly at her clenched hands. "She blames me, you know. For Mum and Dad."

James sat down across from her and grabbed her hands. "It wasn't your fault, Lil. You know that. Any more than it was my fault You-Know-Who killed my parents, too."

"But if I hadn't had magic, and come to Hogwarts, they never would have crossed his path. Petunia never was happy about my magic, but ever since that night – she hates it, and she's never forgiven me."

"Still, she's your sister, and the only blood kin either of us has left. We ought to consider her."

Lily forced herself to think about it. "She'd raise the baby as a Muggle, of course. Not that growing up a Muggle is necessarily that bad, but still I'd rather stick with someone in the wizarding world if we can. But still, she's pregnant too, so the baby would have a cousin to play with."

"Would she be willing?"

"She wouldn't like it, but I think she would. I hope she still cares enough about me to do that." She turned her face away so James wouldn't see how distressed she was. Her estrangement from her sister was an old hurt, but still sharp. "Not my first choice, but I won't rule her out, either."

"So that leaves our friends." James rose to pace again. "I think Sirius would be the best choice there."

Lily cocked her head. "I love Sirius to death, but is he responsible enough? You know how reckless he can be."

James nodded. "I know, but he's matured a lot these past few months, since we joined the Order. You haven't spent as much time with him lately as I have. He's starting to take life more… seriously." They grinned at each other. "Now I admit, he's got a long way to go, but we could have him over often, make sure he got to know the baby well, and I think he'd rise to the occasion. And you know he'd do it for us, no questions asked." Lily murmured her agreement. "And I just don't see Peter being any good with a child…"

"No…"

"…and much as in most ways Remus would be perfect, with the werewolf thing, there's just no way."

Lily shook her head.

"And who else is there?" James sat beside Lily. "We can put Dumbledore in charge of the money. We've been careful with my inheritance; it should be plenty to last the baby until it's grown. But between his age and his responsibilities, he can't be the one to actually care for the child."

"No. But we could make him joint guardian with whoever else we choose."

"That's a good idea."

A hush fell, and stretched uncomfortably long. Lily stared blankly out the window. She wasn't fully happy with the choices they'd discussed so far, but who else was there? Her own friends from Hogwarts were scattered, pursuing further education or new careers. Since her membership in the Order had become a barrier between them, she'd barely talked to any of them, just exchanging a few owls now and then. She and James had not had time to make friends as a couple, the few brief months of their marriage consumed by the struggle against Voldemort.

James laid his hand on her belly, and she rested her head against his shoulder. For a while they didn't speak, content to each take comfort from the other. Then James grinned at her. "There's always Hagrid."

Lily laughed at the thought of a baby toddling around Hagrid's hut. Suddenly the baby kicked wildly, as if in protest, and James too laughed, feeling the vigorous motion. Lily grinned slyly back. "Only if it comes out breathing fire!"

They laughed together, but soon stillness descended again. Finally Lily spoke. "I guess we're decided then. Sirius as first choice, with Petunia second in case… in case something happens to him."

James nodded. "We can name him as godfather, too."

Lily liked the idea. "That's settled, then. I'll take care of writing up the papers." She sighed, and leaned against James for a few more moments. Then she sat up.

"While we're making decisions, have you thought anymore about names?"

"Well, I still like what we talked about last time. Martha Rose, for my mother and yours, if it's a girl…"

"… and Harry James, after my father and yours, if it's a boy. I think so too."

James patted the wiggling bulge in her belly. "Well, little Harry or Martha, you can be born any time now. You've got a name, and a guardian, everything is all set."

Lily closed her eyes and spread her hands wide across her belly. _We're ready for you, but there's no rush._ Inside her, her child was safe, and she could forget the turmoil her choice had ensured her child must face. _No rush at all, take your time…._


End file.
